soj
May 30th, 2007, 08:02 AM
+ Two blondes walk into a building ... you'd think at least one of them
would have seen it.
+ Phone answering machine message - "If you want to buy marijuana, press the
hash key."
+ I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, No, the steaks are too
high."
+ My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
+ A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".
+ I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a muscle.
+ Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
+ Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. The
Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
+ "Doctor, I can't stop singing Green, Green Grass of Home."
Doctor:" That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
The patient asks:" Is it common?"
To which the Doctor replied: "It's not unusual."
+ A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at
him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his
teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
he's cross-eyed?" asks the customer. Said the veterinarian: "No, because
he's really heavy".
+ What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
+ So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a
lift?" I said "Sure, you look great; the world's your oyster, go for it."
+ Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
+ in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad,
+ or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-
Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
+ "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was
nice."
+ A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore."
+ Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as
digging continues into the night.
+ Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Australia if blind people
were given pointed sticks?
would have seen it.
+ Phone answering machine message - "If you want to buy marijuana, press the
hash key."
+ I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, No, the steaks are too
high."
+ My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
+ A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".
+ I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a muscle.
+ Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
+ Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. The
Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
+ "Doctor, I can't stop singing Green, Green Grass of Home."
Doctor:" That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
The patient asks:" Is it common?"
To which the Doctor replied: "It's not unusual."
+ A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at
him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his
teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
he's cross-eyed?" asks the customer. Said the veterinarian: "No, because
he's really heavy".
+ What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
+ So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a
lift?" I said "Sure, you look great; the world's your oyster, go for it."
+ Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
+ in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad,
+ or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-
Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
+ "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was
nice."
+ A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore."
+ Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as
digging continues into the night.
+ Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Australia if blind people
were given pointed sticks?